Top Ten Inappropriate Kids Candies
created by RedTimbre
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To a child, candy is almost a purpose in itself for living.  That and the complete obliviousness for the world's vast complications and myriad depression-inducers.  In this Candyland, a child will eat candy til he pukes, binging because unrelenting pleasure doses seems to be simply all there is.  A concoction of sugar, food coloring, carnuba wax, and perhaps any arrangement of chocolate, caramal, and nugat, it doesn't matter what shape these blissfully cloistering substances take for a person just taking his underdeveloped taste buds out for a joy ride.  For those who produce it, or note from a more mature standpoint, the packaging comes with a chocolate fountain of implications and underlying meaning that amounts to no more than "I want that" to an easily influenced kid, professional candy-eater.  Here's a look at some of the more suggestive and awkward ways candy is packaged, ways that have no business in playgrounds and lunchboxes, if at least for the fact that candy should not represent anything other than itself.  The fact is candy exists in a place of feeling and impulse, in simple puerility, in Candyland.  Leave it to an adult to sully the purity of the unadultered bewonderment candy, Red 4 and artificial flavoring notwithstanding.

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10
Big League Chew
posted by RedTimbre - 4/20/2011
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Big Tobacco was/is always looking for ways to tap into the child-infested candy market.  There were plenty of candy cigarette-alikes, but nothing was quite as powerful as kid-friendly chewing tobacco pouches.  After all, it allowed sports celebrity-emulating kids to chew wads of shredded cheek-stuffers as they played wiffle ball.  The only downside, for those Babe Ruth-idolizing completists, is the zero percent risk of mouth cancer.  

9
Toxic Waste
posted by RedTimbre - 4/20/2011
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More than just modeling itself after a real environental problem in a light-hearted, "written-off" edible form, this candy was apparently recalled for literally being a toxic hazard (apparently for containing an unacceptable amount of lead...any?).  What dramatic irony.  Even more, this problem is hardly a fantastic or cartoony concept when Japan is facing more and more radiation exposure due to post-earthquake/tsunami nuclear power plant meltdowns.  If not recalled for a messed-up health risk in and of itself (mixing standard candy ingredients with straight-up poison), this product would be entirely innapropriate presently, taking a nosedive in sales figures for the suggestivenss of such a needless gimmick alone.  

8
Candy Cigarettes
posted by RedTimbre - 4/20/2011
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This candy speaks for itself for why it is innapropriate for kids, with regards to subliminal-blatent advertising, but it has been around seemingly as long as cigarettes have.  After all, the packaging seems to be modeled after brands of unfiltered cigarettes decades since in production.  Back when cigarettes were considered healthy and lacked the proverbial skull-and-crossbones labelling.  It's almost like a starter kit for children, to get them used to the idea of holding these conveniently-shaped finger-cyllinders.  And their sweet, sugary flavor is almost heavenly as it melts in your mouth.  Hmm, I wonder if real cigarettes are this good?  Available in both smoke-simulating, powder sugar-loaded gum and crunchy-stick form.  

7
Tower of Sour Liquid Candy Urine Samples
posted by RedTimbre - 4/20/2011
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Granted this is a gag gift aimed obviously at childish adults, this goes to new lengths in gross territory.  Not to mention the subtexts of what kind of urine is contained in a urine sample, be it that of a paroled drug-abuser, a testable (not testicle) disease,  or hyperglycemic sugar count.  The latter is guaranteed upon consumption.  But a sour viscous liquid is a gross description of urine in any case and drinking it should be counted as a crime against humanity even if only by way of symbolic gesture. Side note: there might be more meaning to be taken from the fact that this sugar-pee comes in a variety of "flavors."  

6
Sour Flush Toilet Candy
posted by RedTimbre - 4/20/2011
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This candy can be most effectively described as "Fun Dip meets a dirty toilet."  The toilet contains an edible sugar powder, fittingly resembling Ajax in a way, while a plunger-shaped lolipop (two in fact), make for a proper adhesive to the powder when licked.  The meta-message is that this item, as a food-type, is sheer edible crap, of no nutritional value, and to be excreted just as it is consumed: from the inside of a sticky toilet bowl.  

5
Mill Farm's Gummi Lighthouses
posted by RedTimbre - 4/20/2011
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Phallic suggestiveness is nothing new in the gummy genus of the candy kingdom, but this "lighthouse"-shaped gummy candy takes that phallus to grand obvious heights.  It should be no surprise that when a candy pays very crude attention to aesthetic detail that the overambiguosity of a design is going to evoke a less than faithful interpretation.  And the immature mind only asks for a chance to cry "it's a penis!"  Popular runner-up: Hanna Montana "Concert Candy."

4
Gummy Boo Boos
posted by RedTimbre - 4/20/2011
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There's nothing quite as appetizing as a bloody, scabby band-aid, and this candy captures the best part of falling on your bicycle: eating the contents of your wound.  Another addition to the menagerie of products aimed at combining gross-factor and sweet edibility, this one seems to be extra gross as there's no mistaking the shape of a bandage and memories of bottom-of-public-swimming-pool-remnants as it enters your mouth. Sweet!

3
Santa's Coal
posted by RedTimbre - 4/20/2011
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Now parents can go the extra mile of telling their kids that they're awful by literally giving them Santa's Coal for Christmas.  As if the Fat Man in Red isn't played out enough to humiliating ends, now he can be used as vindictive leverage against gulliable children, or as a novelty stocking stuffer for know-betters who want to be given a pouch of gum to chew consecutively in one overengorged sitting during the all-day Christmas Story marathon. 

2
Box of Boogers
posted by RedTimbre - 4/20/2011
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Now we know kids like to eat their boogers, but this is just cruel.  It's like an endorsement to carry on with wretched, loathsome habits as yuckiness is made novel and to be associated with sweet delicacies.  Let's just hope fecal matter isn't given the same treatment (though I may be speaking too soon).  Obviously candy doesn't teach lessons, but who wants to be repulsed and satisfied at the same time?(Insert topical joke about Lady Gaga here.)  

1
Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans
posted by RedTimbre - 4/20/2011
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Originating fictionally in one of the Harry Potter books as a gag item prized by Hogwarts' merriest pranksters, Fred and George Weasley, enough franchise fanatics must've collectively wished for these not-so-farfetched novelties to be actualized.  The idea of a dirt-and-vomit-flavored jelly beans, as it turns out, was in high demand because not an Easter basket or Jelly Belly selection in a candy shop is complete without their inclusion.  You just gotta wonder, how do so many people know what dirt or boogers taste like (enough to accurately replicate them and have a million flinching taste-testers give it the thumbs-up)?  You also gotta thank the FDA for making sure none of those things are actually put into the jelly beans, you know, for sanitary reasons.  

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